A Kafkaesque Hellscape: Part One

“Welcome to Germany”

– Typical response on the topic of bureaucracy.

Introduction

When me and Megan discussed the impending move to Europe we had all kinds of visions dancing through our minds. Most of my visions involved us clad in flowing silk scarves, picking up bread from our local bakery, discussing the arts over a gelato and generally smiling all the time. “What a grand adventure this was going to be!” I thought to myself. Most of Megan’s visions were of me, strong and aloof, taking a wilderness shower under a flowing waterfall. It is very hard to get her to focus on things and she ends up daydreaming about this specific image a lot.

What we did not envision was the soul crushing onslaught of adult tasks we were taking on. The thing is, we can’t even in honesty say we were blindsided by this. We did some research, and most blogs and journals say something like “hell no don’t move to Germany and try to live in a van, it won’t work for you”. But these kinds of people said the same type of negative things to the first people flying to the moon, and look what happened there. “Things will certainly be different for gorgeous and capable people like us” I thought. Megan thought things too albeit it was still about my body being cascaded upon by a fresh glacier fed stream.

Preparations

Me and Megan are good at procrastinating, so this time around we wanted to really do things different. Months in advance we bought a white board and started to throw up everything we needed to do in advance of our move.

The primary issue with this technique was that we saw day in and day out all the things we had neglected to do and it only served to increase the stress levels. Eventually though push comes to shove and I needed my visa yesterday. Despite the visa paper work being arduous and intense, it actually wasn’t that fun to do! With my package complete I searched the internet for what to do with my application package. Turns out the only place that processes these is Toronto. That couldn’t possible be (it could). It says you need to book an appointment and show up in person, that can’t be either (it could be as well).

As someone who nearly always knows better (picture a Gandalf or Dumbledore archetype), I sent off my application via mail to Toronto. Sure, it felt a little weird to put my passport and degrees in the mail, but I have unwavering confidence in my fellow humans and in the rule of law.

It wasn’t two days before I was informed that they could not process my application and that my stuff was being returned. I had tried to do it my way, and failed; somewhere Jon Bon Jovi rolled in his grave. The bureau had no available appointments, but offered me and emergency one in 4 days. Thank goodness Canada is not some huge country like Russia, otherwise this would have been a real pain in the ass.

I snagged that appointment as hungrily as the very hungry caterpillar prior to its enormous binge. The only issue, all my stuff is in the mail. I’ll cut the chase and say that my stuff arrived at my door about an hour before I needed to get to my flight. Normally, I’d say something involving how tight my butthole got through all of this but I have really matured.

Cross the Pond

People these days think they are real hot shit if they travel with “only a carry on”. Oh you travel with a checked bag? You’re not really traveling if you bring your whole home with you. People who travel carry-on only tend to think of themselves as the elite of the elite. They are the god kings of travel. The airport is their domain and you are just a hapless scrub that thought you needed to bring your own microwave with you. To make matters worse, there are loads of how-to’s devoted to traveling with only a carry on. How is this a how-to industry? Just pack a pair of underwear, a baggy sweater, your laptop and toothbrush and you’re done. People should be telling you what to do if you want to travel with a metric tonne of assorted paraphernalia. Because I’ve done that, and it is way harder.

Grab your three favorite bikes (you are going to want at least 1.5 bikes/person) and pack them. For this step, you are going to make sure that you are still fairly fresh with your mother in law so that her rage towards you and your bikes boils only within and does not steam out to scald you or your ego.

Next, get your dog and put it in a crate it does not want to be in. Drug the dog and make sure it has its passport that is for some reason 5x as long as yours (4 of these pages are devoted to ensuring your dog does not have worms) that you got from the Canada Food Inspection Agency. Contemplate your dog as being food, and shake that idea from your head quickly.

Do not forget your guitar. You are going to want it with you in your van, so that you always know that playing it is a possibility. Worry about its safety often for best results.

Bring your bags for hiking and camping, climbing and snorkeling (I’m questioning this one), bike repairs, photography, art supplies and journalling. Drag all of this through elevators, escalators and those things that just drag you along horizontally? If you are a carry-on only person you probably know the technical name for these devices.

Your success in getting your stuff to your destination is going to be directly proportional to the number of crystals you have in your home and inversely proportional to your negative energy. So keep a smile slapped on and tape some amethyst to your thighs.

I followed those instructions to a T, and all of our stuff miraculously arrived. We had to pull off a total clown car situation fitting everything into a couple cars, but with a little elbow grease and can-do attitude everything fit! We have made it to Germany.

Now What

Me and Megan are exacting and calculated. We knew from the outset that we needed time in Germany before I begin work to get all of our affairs in order. All we needed to do was slip into this incredibly bureaucratic system while doing things kiiiiiinnnndddda under the table. Buy a van in the Netherlands, pass the TÜV inspection, get a bank account, register an address, get Megan an extended visa, find Gus a vet, set myself up with a tax ID and various insurances. We gave ourselves a week to get everything done. Was it enough? Find out in Part 2 – coming whenever I can.

Conclusions

Life has been a bit chaotic and at many times extremely frustrating. Looking back though, it’s often easy to see the hilarity in the absurd. All the issues we have had are essentially issues that we signed up for, and can eventually be categorized as “adventure”. I think we are lucky to be doing it. We get fatigued spending time at the TÜV, the Rathaus and the ausländerbehörde, but we also get a lot of time living close to nature and enjoying the Black Forest (Schwarzwald).

Also, me and Megan get the opportunity here to really litmus test our relationship, and so far I must say I have far less notes than I anticipated (no notes). Fantastic teammate, and we are getting better and better every day.

The probability of part two coming before Christmas is approaching zero, so I will sign off with a Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.