Cusco

We turn him into a flea, put him in a box, put that box in another box, then we mail that box to ourselves and when it arrives we SMASH that box with a hammer!

– Yzma, on Cusco

Sleepless Accomodations

We arrived in Cusco by way of Puerto Montt, Santiago, and La Paz, some of the best airports we ever have had the pleasure of laying eyes upon. Santiago in particular provided one of the best meals we have ever had.

We were greeted in Cusco like celebrity warrior-kings; every taxi driver desperate for our affection and attention. We settled in with Mauro, a cabby who called us “my friends” just enough times to be suspicious, and headed to our highly recommended hostel: The Wild Rover.

Mauro our compadre and new closest friend doubled as an excursion agent and sold us on heading to the acclaimed Rainbow Mountain. We jumped at his mere mention of the tour. Before we knew it we were handing out money to a strange taxi driver who wished us to provide a deposit in exchange for the promise of his picking us up at 4:30am. Smartest tourists in the game baby.

We sat down in the lobby of the Wild Rover to book an excursion to Machu Picchu. With that done we felt set up for success and were ready to just relax and chill out our days in Cusco. After a night of travel, and with an early morning looming we decided a nap might be the best next step. But it quickly became apparent that the Wild Rover was no place to get sleep unless you had blacked out. This was especially true with our beds being pressed up right against the bar, with only a sheet of drywall for acoustic damping. If you can’t beat them you might as well join them.

For background, the Wild Rover is a chain of party hostels through Peru, one we found out about through our Swiss friends in El Calafate. A certain type of people from around the world stay here, and fall in love with the atmosphere. They then choose to volunteer to spend even more time on the cheap. The only place for volunteers is behind the bar, where they get drinks as well. The bartenders seem to be the ones most woozy, causing their pours get more and more generous, and often for free. These are the perfect conditions for two things: fun, and no sleep.

Rainbow Mountain

We were so tired that sleep eventually did come, but the morning came far too fast. We were outside our hostel at 4:30 in the morning, waiting on Mauro. He did not show, and we began to worry that we had been taken.

When hope seemed to be entirely lost a car whipped up beside us and out he jumped. “My friends! I am so sorry my friends! This never happens my friends. My friends, I tell you, my alarm never went off my friends. You can see, my friends, that I am still in sleeping clothes. If we hurry, I can get you to your bus my friends!” So we hopped in, and moved faster through the narrow streets of Cusco than I had ever thought could be possible. Mauro was honking at every intersection as a warning to oncoming traffic that we were not to be stopped.

We had a surprising amount of time to kill at the tour agency our bus left from, so the manager fetched us some coca leaf tea while we waited. This miracle plant was supposed to cure the ailments of altitude sickness, as Cusco sits 3,400m above sea level, however our trip to the Rainbow Mountain would reach an astonishing 5km. The trip up to the rainbow mountains involved a tight winding road with a sheer cliff promising us certain death. Our driver with no regard for human life smashed the horn until people in front could slide enough inches over to the right to complete a suicide pass. There was one moment when Reid truly thought death was imminent (Andrew was asleep). As we approached two oncoming semi trucks, the driver of a large bus behind them decided it was the perfect time to cross the river styx and pulled out to pass both. Our minibus got the pleasure of a rapid deceleration and a pull over to the absolute edge of the cliff. The large bus did not back down and completed the pass, the suicidal driver likely fuming that it was a success and not the horrific multi bus and semi pile up/careen down a 1km cliff they had dreamed of.

After several life threatening moments in which we both had flashbacks to childhood memories that had otherwise escaped our consciousness we stopped for a buffet breakfast. Fried rice and watermelon, the usual. Finally upon the beginning of the hike we were handed walking sticks and set off. Thinking these were absolutely unnecessary crutches representing the failure of human evolution Reid sent his flying down the cliff whilst pounding his chest like an angry silverback gorilla.

Reid would soon regret this as the hike was a test with the oxygen becoming thinner each step we took. This hike at normal elevation would be so simple a zero-legged nonagenarian could achieve it before their afternoon tea and crib game. At 5km up however, moving too fast (which is actually very slow) causes the heart to race, and pain to creep into the brain. Reid’s silverback persona was very quickly replaced with that of a slug. The andean women noticed this and tried to give us horse rides but our pride was too strong. They simply shrugged their shoulders and sprinted straight up the mountain to the next person. Our silverback persona shrank further.

We finally dogged it to the top, and were treated to great views of cute baby alpacas. The mountain’s colours did not disappoint either, rich red colours stood out the most prominent against the deep green throughout the valleys bellow. Snow capped mountains also lined the horizon, as some stretched as high as 6km above sea level.

Before heading down Reid had to pry 3 fresh baby alpacas out of Andrew’s arms, pleading that they were not his.

The walk down was the most entertaining, almost as though you were in a private screening of “The Walking Dead” watching people slug their way to the summit. Seeing their suffering reinstated Reid’s Silverback persona to a whole new level.

On the way down the heaven’s opened up and pelted us with hail. The hail stung, and we were very glad not to be the ones going up. We had had excellent weather, but at 5km elevation the weather is extremely volatile and will swing 180 degrees with no warning.

We drove the narrow muddy mountain road back down into the valley, keenly aware that mudslides are a frequent reality. We made it back to the safety of the buffet for lunch (more fried rice and watermelon) and the trip back to the hostel went without hitch.

After a short and surprisingly successful nap, we were dragged out of bed for ladies night at the bar. Ladies night sounded very promising, so we went. We found out that we were instead to be dressed as ladies. Good thing no pictures exist of this.

Killing Time

The next day we were happy to sleep in and have no plans. We leisurely began walking (ensuring our first turn was to the right), and soon decided to go up to Sacsayhuaman (pronounced sexy woman (reference picture above)), which we had learned of during a walking tour.

We got up there and found a group just walking passed the ticket booth. Emboldened by their actions we followed right through the ticket booth and asked what was up. They were going to some free ruins and asked if we would join. In perfect synchronization we said “What great fortune have we! Huzzah, we shall follow you to the uttermost ends of the earth!” The rest of the day was spent with two Germans, two Aussies and at one point several sheep. The scenery was spattered with caves along the rolling green pastures. We explored and got to know our new best friends eventually going for shawarma and hasheesh as one does in Cusco. We sat around for drinks with our Aussie best friends, and made plans to meet up in the morning for more frivolity.

The next morning we got up to meet in the main square. Inspired by the offers presented to us in the main square of Cusco, Reid approached a gentleman offering free walking tours to see if he would take us “up there”, only to find out they were only taking tourists around the square.

Moey showed up, but Ben was sick. We wandered towards the San Blas market to get some cheap-as (Aus, saying, and no its not spelled wrong) food. It did not disappoint, each person getting a pitcher of fresh juice for $2 and a large meal for $3.

The food was good, but the resulting sickness was immediate. Perhaps we now had what Ben did. We aimlessly wandered stopping wherever we felt like it. These included the Coca museum where we learned to make cocaine, a churro store, and a chocolate museum where we thoroughly abused their free sample policy. We split up from there with Moey, needing to rest up as the sickness progressed. The night was uneventful as we prepped for the Sacred Valley and Maccu Picchu tomorrow morning, praying that the sickness pass us by.

Jewelry Stores. Oh, and Machu Picchu

The next morning it was immediately apparent the sickness had not passed us by. Reid waddled to the washroom, eyes fixed on the goal, completely disinterested by the free line of blow being offered to him. A random dude met us outside the hostel and instructed us to follow. We did, and by divine providence we stopped for more people outside a farmacia. Like Jason Bourne remembering his training, a voice rang through Reid’s head. It was the voice of his doctor, and to be accurate this quotation should be read very very quickly; “Listen Reid, if you ever have the worst shits of your life, like we are talking really really bad ones you gotta go for this. *Scribbles on a post it*. Take this, its a miracle, works so good you may worry you’ll never sit down for a disposal again.” Reid ran into the farmacia, slammed the post it down on the counter and received a true modern miracle. Highly recommend Gardasil 9 to all worried about embarrassing bowel movement.

We hopped onto the bus with only a little bit of liquid poop dripping down the leg only to be reassured by the fact that this was going to be another winding road up and down through the infinite Andean mountains. Our first stop was a very cool Incan Terrace overlooking a valley in the mountains. This ancient farmland design inspired Andrew with the amazing grading and use of retaining walls. However despite his kicking and screaming the tour guide dragged Andy aboard citing there was more to come.

But first, we were lucky enough to be granted the rare and exclusive opportunity of getting dropped off at a silver shop! Wow. We couldn’t believe our eyes as a person offered us a speech on rocks and energy all compiling to the announcement that somehow this related the Incan people to chakras. What a rich history! Reid inquired about the most expensive and valuable piece of craftsmanship, holding it as his money burned a literal hole into his pocket; however in the nick of time nature called. Disappointed we had to get funnelled back onto the bus before the transaction was ever completed.

The next two stops were far less interesting than the silver shop imbued with chakra energy. They were just ancient Inca settlements of Pisaqa and Olantaytambo. Wow, ok how boring, could we please just go buy more silver trinkets?

The tour of the Sacred Valley ended in the the new Olantaytambo square, where we waited for the train to take us to Aguas Calientes, at the foot of Machu Picchu. We got into our 5-star accommodations – only slightly filled to the brim with bed bugs – and went to bed. The forecast was not promising, but we maintained optimism that Machu Picchu would show its face to us.

Without further adieu we reached the point most everyone who visits this area reaches. It was extremely calm outside as we walked toward the bus station prepared to reach the famed mountain top citadel. Only until we turned the corner after the purchase of our bus ticket did we see a massive line of 100+ people curl around the road as we were directed to head to the back.

In an attempt to “not be a typical tourist” as many promotional posters prompted, Reid ate his breakfast from the gutter, a small mixture of greasy long millipedes and “whatever that greenish brown thing is”.

How atypical! Feeling completely unique as tourists at this point, we followed the large groups of people to one of the most visited places on Earth.

At first, the clouds had created a low hanging halo over the citadel and mountains above. Only until divine intervention parted the clouds just a few moments later. Andrew and Reid had perfect weather once again! Feeling as though this moment couldn’t be passed up upon without a computer selfie session, a photo shoot began! A worker there was really into it, and facebook lived the whole proceedings. As usual, the photos turned out great.

We had both been very concerned that Machu Picchu would be overrated, but those concerns flew out the window. It is really incredible.

The Inca stone carving techniques are so precise, and they really knew how to pick a location to live. We spent hours exploring and taking photos. At one point Andrew hit the pinnacle of human existence when being passed by a rascal of Llamas!

Eventually the time to leave came, so we went down to Aguas Calientes and awaited the train back to Olantaytambo. We were very casual, waiting until the last possible second before heading to the train station. This turned out to be the correct decision, because it resulted in a grand adventure. We could not find the train station, and time was ticking by. We walked out of town along the tracks expecting to find a train somewhere. A person directed us up a hill and back into town. The tracks split, and the train station was hidden within a market. We saw where we needed to be, but a long fence was blocking our way. The brakes were being released, and we could hear the train engines revving. So we took off sprinting, at first missing the small sign sticking out of a store that said “train station <–“. Again like Jason Bourne we wove through the market and got to the train. Not 30 seconds after sitting down the train pulled off. The 30 second wait time indicated to us that we could have chilled a little bit longer before leaving for the train.

Our bus ride back was dominated by a British couple trying to find their phone. They were on the phone with someone who either stole their phone or found it. Either way this person was very interested in being rewarded handsomely and made demands for time and place to meet up. We felt for them, and were very happy to not be in that situation. We arrived at the hostel, very tired, but decided to hit the town and make it a full 24 hour day. Our time together was rapidly closing, so might as well go ham. Cusco was empty in the streets, and we followed our ears to wherever music was being shred. The next morning was a flight to Lima, bittersweet as it was the end of our road together.

Conclusions

Cusco is a required city for anyone that enjoys travelling. The Wild Rover Hostel is appropriately named. Macchu Picchu is appropriately rated. Leave for your trains at the last second for a good time. Gardasil 9 will block you up incredibly. Plenty of wife options, but excursions will keep you busy in Cusco, plan accordingly!

Reid and Andrew

Currently in Lima, crying, hugging, and saying our Ciao’s