I’m drowning in a tidal wave of tasks.
- Hercules
Introduction
Well. Here we are. It’s the middle of August. Naturally my mind is thinking about the coming January. For many, New Years is a time to try something new and develop as a person, but for me it is absolutely filled to the brim with tasks. Getting set up for the next 365 is never easy and the sheer amount of leg work makes me go completely catatonic for days. I don’t think I could survive the onslaught of January thoughts into my soggy brain if not for my DIY S.A.D Lamp.
Oddly enough there is a strong correlation between my yearly January thoughts and my yearly severe heatstroke. It’s only after heatstroke recovery that I move my feelings from a space of dread to a space of planning. As I go through this now I decided I would take some time to share my top 4 least looked-forward to tasks of the year. Shower me in sympathies. Don’t forget to tell me your least favorite January tasks in the comments!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Neighbourhood Waiver Renewals
Everyone at some point in their life experiences a moment in which they cross a threshold and undergo a step change in responsibility. It is those instants in which you buy a dog, say “I do”, or hold your newborn child for the first time. Whatever. All of these pale in comparison to the moment my sensei wrapped my black belt about my waist. From that point on, civilians in my vicinity would forever be in clear and present danger. All that stands between them and me, is me. Clearly I require a legal shield to protect myself from the ramifications of my these hands.
Barely anyone can handle the training required to become a black belt and of those that do survive, fewer still can shoulder the isolation and burden of responsibility. My intent of course is to protect my block, but early on I did not have a clear understanding to the bounds of my power and needed to be prepared for anything. Years ago I drafted up a waiver and went door to door in my local community. I had everyone consent to sharing the block with me.
In recent years I have come to know myself and my meteoric power. Regardless, every January I go about the community and collect signatures of consent once again. This behaviour stems from fears I have gained as a byproduct of my obsession with true crime. Liability case law and civil tortes due to accidental injury are my favorite genres, and I often listen to podcasts right before bed. Sometimes I can’t sleep. In the eyes of the law would I be the probable cause of all injury to the civilians on my block? Will the neighbours have difficulty getting life insurance as a result of living near unsafe conditions? Are they threatened by my success in life? Do I fit the definition of a reasonable individual? If my podcasts are to be believed, the case law would not be on my side. So I perform my task. It is typically cold, and it pains me to see the fear in my neighbours eyes as I approach up the drive way. Never look forward to this one.
Lay the Ground Work for an Meaningful Vet Visit
Every year Gus “has” to get dewormed, yet every time I ask the vet if Gus has worms the answer is the same; no. Well I for one am completely tired of getting jerked around by these vets that assume we aren’t going to notice. As a child my mother always tried to impress upon me that money should come by blood and sweat alone and that charity was a socialist plot aimed right at the heart of the economy. Well congrats mom, you have taught me well.
Once I decided to take matters into my own hands, I began to feel a lot better about these vet appointments. Roughly the same exchange occurs, but nowadays our vet has to actually work for it because every January I spend about a week pre-worming Gus. The process is completely awful and haunts me for months afterward, but the concerned and stupified face of our vet makes it completely worth it.
Renew My Silicone Mould
They say that there are two deaths. The first is the familiar passing away, and the second is when the last person with memory of you passes. I don’t intend to even die once if I can hack it, but twice? No shot. Upon my passing I have prepaid for statues in my likeness to be installed in 65 of the worlds great cities including Balcarres SK, Beulah ND, Dildo NL, and Mablethorpe GB. They are going to be made of bronze, cast from a mould made in the shape of my actual body. No artistic liberties please and thank you. To make this so, I need to update my silicone mould yearly. My silicone mould guy parties in Ibiza every year from February to December, so January is really the only time of year we can link up. I meet him on the tarmac with a hot chocolate and cozy socks because he nearly always stumbles off the plane in a thong and mink fur ascot. Once silicone mould guy comes to he wastes no time getting things started. Before I know it I’ve been stripped, waxed and am in the bathtub getting gallons of silicone poured onto me. Typically he hears my pleas for a breathing apparatus and will provide a snorkel or nose straws to use over the next 48 hours as the silicone cures.
At some point in the future I am ripped from the tub by a collections agent demanding payment. I pay happily, having budgeted for this expense long ago. The process is an absolute torment and near unbearable, however, to me a fresh silicone mould is insurance and peace of mind, making it well worth the spend and abject agony. Me and my silicone mould guy really are in a perfect symbiosis – he provides the means for me to be remembered forever, while I provide him the means to forget the year.
Meal Prep
Love onions, hate crying. Need I say more?
In January when I can keep my kitchen dark and out of sight from prying eyes, I like to send my wife on a gals trip, put Gus in his kennel, take the phones off the hook, shut the blinds and cut my onions. A year supply all in one go. 190 lbs. I sob. I let go. I release. It’s terrible.
About half way through my eyes have lost so much fluid that focussing is essentially impossible. I try to rehydrate via my gator aide icy blast, but the search through sticky and wrinkled eyes is no easy task. Every year I claim it’s the year I hook up to IV fluids before the cutting commences, but a year is a long time for a short memory. It takes roughly until April for our freezer space to open up and host anything but onions. It’s a terrible task that I dread each and every year, but one that pays off huge for someone with so much clout tied up in being a hyper masculine black belt. Can’t afford to be seen teary eyed, this is the only way.
Conclusions
In the age of social media we are constantly kept abreast of all the bad and evil that is going on in the world. There is no escape to the deluge of bad news. Now, on top of all of this my readers will be plagued with the knowledge that January is a really hard month on me.
Where is Reid? 