Crisis At The Border

“When Canada sends its people, they’re not sending their best” – Border Control Guard, Directly to Megan’s Face

Heading into the final few days before flying back to Canada, Megan’s visa to remain in Germany was still in question. Time evaporated and she had to fly home and hope that things would work themselves out.

A couple weeks later, with Megan comfortably in Canada she received a conclusive message from the department responsible for her residence permit (and therefore the ability to return to us in Germany as planned).

“…you have already been informed several times that you cannot enter with your current fiktion certificate. Since you are not here a new permit cannot be issued. We ask you to arrange for the deregistration”

Not exactly as planned to say the least. So many emails. So many calls. Megan’s prospective employer (and our new friends) had really gone to bat for us. What had gone wrong here and when did things go off the rails?

Back in January, Megan received her fiktionsbescheinigung (which is a temporary permit to remain in the country while your full application is being assessed) before me, but it did not come with a meeting date as mine had. Time went on (as it is prone to do) and her return to Canada rapidly approached. As we white knuckled the deadline we reached out to find out what the hold up was and heard “… we are still waiting for documents from you, otherwise a residence permit would have been issued long ago.”

Clearly this was a great annoyance. We didn’t know more was required of us, and mentioning that a permit could have been issued long ago was a special gut punch. What documents remained? The application package was seemingly comprehensive and even guided by the Canadian consulate and Megan’s employers who are German! We never really got an answer for the root issue. Nothing we could send in (and we sent in a lot) seemed to resolve the situation, or make clear what we were lacking.

So, this email asking Megan to deregister after having next to no help from that office prompted some unique thoughts and feelings directed toward the frustrating Frau we were working with. I really hoped this miserable person hated every miserable moment working at their miserable job.

I actually got really angry. Reading and re-reading our email threads made me feel like the person handling our case didn’t really give a shit, and could not be bothered to help. Here is a general rule of thumb: when your internal monologue declares that someone would fit right in with the German society of previous eras you know it is time to take a step back and do a self-evaluation. I needed to cool my collar, and here is roughly a stream of consciousness as I did just that.

Thought 1 – Zoom Out:

Reid, your woes are pathetic. The world has genocides, wars, rampant discrimination and inequality, and is prone to fascist flare-ups. What are we upset about here? A wee financial loss, another month of separation and Megan misses out on travels with my parents? Really nothing to complain about, in fact we should be celebrating daily with immense joy.

Giving context to your situation is good to make sure you don’t get too carried away and overdramatic, but is it really useful? No matter what you can zoom further out and find something worse. It’s always possible to make your problems insignificant in an absolute sense, but not in a relative sense. If I gaslight myself into thinking my problems are not even worthy of being a problem it isn’t going to prevent the feelings they evoke and I’ll just bottle it all up.

Now on the other side of this emotional teeter totter, I believe in some ability to “suck it up” and not to get too bogged down in my victimhood. Problems exist on a spectrum from trivial to existential – where do I set the pivot point between feeling something and not.

Thought 2: This Would Be So Much Easier In Canada

This idea crossed my mind before I could stop it. Obviously I don’t know this with certainty at all. I have never even had to try and pass through the cogs and gears of any immigration system before. Of course you hate the experience, who wouldn’t? It’s probably a fallacy to assume that the German one is worse or better than any other – it’s a single data point. I thought that things would be easier in Canada because I have never really faced any difficulties there. There is a tonne of privilege wrapped up into that train of thought! I live a life where I can believe the Canadian systems work for me – not everyone can claim the same thing.

Thought 3: What If We Are the Problem?

The reality is that we definitely made mistakes along the way of this process. Pretty much impossible not to, even with the help of our German friends. Maybe this is being an adult; you do something wrong, you don’t get the result you want. At the bottom of this well of self reflection is the truth nugget to why this stings so bad – because I expected it not to. I felt completely entitled to showing up in Europe, skirting around the rules to live in a van, and expect everything to go as smooth as can be. I expect to be able to do things my way, and never encounter any friction.

It always seems like others have a better understanding of systems than us. “Didn’t you know X? Have you checked Y?” All I know is that we tried our best in this situation, and came out with some error, and more than likely a percentage of the blame is on us no matter how much we want to blame the instruments of bureaucracy. In my travels there is one other story I don’t like to tell too much. I’ll link it here. It isn’t that it is a bad story, its because it is one where I feel like an idiot, and feel that blame implicitly lands on me when questioned. I lost a bunch of money in South America, and the typical questions also come out – “Didn’t you try X? Didn’t you have Y?” Similar to this situation, I feel like the problem was out of my control, but if you dig deep, there is a kernel of uncomfortable self-blame. I was drunk after all – maybe it was my fault. Or here, I was entitled after all – maybe it was my fault.

Zen Buddha Monk

So in a nutshell – I minimized my problems before deciding that it did not honor my problems very well. I moved on to deciding it was a Germany problem and that these issues are unique to this failed state before deciding I did not know that at all and came face-to-face with the privilege I carry always. Looking inward forced the acknowledgement that there is a point of blame to fall on our shoulders. Over all I think there is a combination to be had – could we have been better navigators of the system? Sure! Could they have been more helpful and not so dismissive? Definitely! Are we lucky to have helpful friends? So much so! Do We feel the need to learn some of Canada’s systems and give back? Absolutely! Do I now believe in complete Anarchy and the abolishing of world governments to enable the free movement of all humans? Yes!

At the end of the day, this problem was frustrating but minor. Megan “technically” cannot enter the country, but this has not stopped anyone (including my own German visa agent) from suggesting that she just take a swing at it, because who is going to care? So, in a decision that probably seems like we learned negative lessons from this ordeal, we are leaning towards Megan flying back, seeing what happens at the border, and then cease pursuing the residence permit further. A bit of a don’t-ask don’t-tell style solution. I think there is a great chance things go fine at the border, but the fact they technically could not means we will be sweating until it is over.

I wish I could say that I have confidence in Megan to pull it off, but I have been with her at normal border crossings before and seen otherwise. Once, when driving to Alaska the border guard asked her what her purpose was and she descended into an existential silence, presumably taking a fine accounting of her life thus far and her finite time left to build a legacy. I leaned over and said “travel” and the border guard let us through. God speed little Megan.

EDIT:
She made it! We are reunited and it feels great. This probably cheapens the above even further, but I am fine with being labelled as a whiner in the minds of my two readers. Me and Gus met Megan at the train station and after months of barely scraping by on pizza and noodles I felt energized simply by a hug and the absorption of her “second-hand salad” aura. Additionally, we now have the benefit of feeling like our love is forbidden which is a major boost to our relationship head canon.

Mad Money

The main reason Megan travelled home was to fulfill her lifelong dream of providing a comfortable lifestyle for a much younger, very handsome man. She took her nursing skills home to secure the bag of wild riches that me as a student simply could not access.

Megan’s selflessness immediately prompted a lot of reflection in Gus. For the first time ever he came face to face with his position in the family. Had he been selfish to make ball his entire life’s work? Was fetch his entire legacy? No it simply could not be, he was capable of vastly more and wanted to prove it.

About a week into Megan’s absence I came home to find Gus sitting at the table furiously scribbling at a piece of paper. He informed my that he had just completed his application for a business license and intended to also help the family financially. After conducting zero market research he was convinced that there would be a demand for next-day answers to “The Sudoku Puzzles”. I asked which sudoku puzzles – newspaper, book or what? He simply looked at me with an expression that said he had no time for me and my limited understanding of economics (both macro and micro).

Gus was an immediately changed dog. Owning a small business was incredibly stressful on Gus, and despite having literally no expenses he constantly worried about overhead. He became moody and jaded. Gus had set his prices so low to attract a huge amount of users, claiming that he was the Uber of sudoku, a disruptor dog. However, he only had one client (someone from Canada that went by the mysterious moniker of “Reid’sDad420”) causing Gus to loose money daily because the postage to send the sudoku answers to Canada far exceeded his price point. Trying to contribute, I suggested a pivot to digital distribution, but Gus said he would rather die than to sacrifice on his quality – part of his differentiation is the excitement of mail, the smell of the paper and the crackle of opening the envelope. Two days after the business license had been filed the business was on the verge of collapse. Gus remained firm in the conviction that his business plan had been bulletproof, and that the real killer had been the damn carbon tax.

As his father, I am proud for Gus for trying to help, but ultimately wished he had not. He now lives in constant fear of overhead, and is a staunch conservative. Me and him are going to leave money making to the pro from now on.

Conclusion

There is a twofold reality of these stresses and issues we face. Firstly, they are real, they are upsetting, and they are very fatiguing. Secondly, they are a direct byproduct of us taking advantage of an amazing opportunity and living the way we want to. We are so lucky to have this time in our lives, and while we may have been less stressed day to day by sticking at home, we wouldn’t feel as fulfilled. Perhaps the best learning is to do your best, but chill out and relax. Don’t make perceived issues into real issues prematurely. Easier said than done – I tend to worry.

We have been calling Megan’s return “Germany Chapter 2”. Chapter 1 was full of rain, UTI’s, learning curves, discomfort, and home sickness (but a fair amount of greatness as well). Chapter 2 is yet to be written, but it is really putting its best foot forward. The sun is shining, work is exciting, our community grows and we have a steady stream of visitors. Having Megan back is an enormous help; being the single father of a dog with a struggling business was fun but very time consuming. In addition to everything else she does, Megan is a huge pressure release valve, and now with the changed perspective of Chapter 2 finds a lot of enjoyment in the tasks of constant camping.

Megan is already known around our campground as “The Woman of Leisure”, and gets greeted as such daily. As I leave for work I hear the accented workers say “Ahh, well here comes the Woman of Leisure, finally waking up”, as she wanders for her morning cappuccino. To me this is a great omen of what is ahead.

I can already offer spoilers that the next entry will have less of me whining and complaining. How do I know? Because all I wrote about today happened about a month ago – I am not exactly current. In that month we had holidays with the parents, Megan becomes the prophesied “Woman of Leisure”, and Gus grapples with his desire to enter the political arena. But I’ll get into all that next time.